Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.