Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You Might Also Like
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax