He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If I’ve learned anything from Twitter, it’s that you shouldn’t be learning on Twitter.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.