Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry