Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

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“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority


Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.


Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.


[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery


First Date:

“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”

Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire


Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.


Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.