“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”
Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
You don’t know.
when you don’t know how to answer a question….