@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

You Might Also Like

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@C00LpenNAME

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@TomTheWicked

If I’ve learned anything from Twitter, it’s that you shouldn’t be learning on Twitter.

@JJSummertime

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

@LizHackett

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@aotakeo

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

@markleggett

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.