@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

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@TheBoydP

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

@BooFricketyHoo

That awkward moment when you are introduced to someone and you have no idea if that person is their child or their spouse.

@fridaycandy

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@KylePlantEmoji

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@MdUNH

If you see a white guy in earbuds convulsing angrily with T. Rex arms, don’t freak out. I’m just jamming out to Eminem.

@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before