Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!