@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

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@iwearaonesie

*takes glass out of dishwasher*
*doesn’t know where it goes*
*leaves on counter*
*wife puts it back in dishwasher*
*repeat for last 7 years*

@rickolantern

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

@mccormick_ted

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

@daemonic3

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

@SaraMansford

Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.

@Chris__oj

Wasted another year of my life but this time it wasn’t my fault.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@SkippyMcGizzard

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.