HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
My husband has burned my grilled cheese. I can’t see it or smell it yet, but there is a palpable disturbance in The Force.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I want minions for Christmas.
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.