Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.