“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Finally!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”