Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Animal poetry
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
doing your own taxes
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*