Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars