@CatherineLMK

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

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@Donna_McCoy

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

@Mr_Kapowski

Woman: $150 for mice removal?!

Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*

Woman: Get them out!

Me: $300 snake removal fee

*dumps box of mongooses*

@SentenceReduced

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

@CoopFogg

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@PrisonCookies

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?