“I need to get laid man!”nn- eggs (in the chicken)
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass
Woman: $150 for mice removal?!
Me: Yep *dumps box of snakes*
Woman: Get them out!
Me: $300 snake removal fee
*dumps box of mongooses*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?