The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes
“should i go into the arts?”
“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”
“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?