@myqkaplan

“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”

“no”

“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”

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@tsm560

The only thing that distinguishes us from dogs is their ability to learn from their mistakes

@daemonic3

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@msevilroyslade

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

@Angibangie

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

@SteveKoehler22

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

@jus4golf

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?