Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
just witnessed a drug deal
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I know
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
he’s doing your taxes
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?