“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.