one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
So we got a goldfish…
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal