I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
My dentist: what?
kid: dad I can’t sleep
me: why not?
kid: do you see that monster under my bed?
me: [looks under bed] OMG yes
kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
Love Mom XO
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”