I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
my body: something hurts
me: oh no! what’s wrong?
my body: it’s a secret 😉
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori