Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…

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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.


I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok


Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*


I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.


I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.


Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.


my body: something hurts
me: oh no! what’s wrong?
my body: it’s a secret 😉


Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori