@PyJamieParty

Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…

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@frankiemuniz

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

@YuckyTom

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

@EndhooS

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@krisv_723

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

@mutedclamor

Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.

@haleymlotek

my body: something hurts
me: oh no! what’s wrong?
my body: it’s a secret 😉

@carlyken

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori