@PyJamieParty

Shoulda, woulda, barracuda…

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@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@Cpin42

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

@a_simpl_man

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

@daemonic3

kid: dad I can’t sleep

me: why not?

kid: do you see that monster under my bed?

me: [looks under bed] OMG yes

kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

@fuzzlime

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”