Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
❤️🦆
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.