@singwithTaffy

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

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@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@Laser_Cat

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

@bylinetd

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

@pyepar

Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.

Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

@rumandrocks

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.