Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?