That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Left home on Friday night, got bck home on Monday night.
Grandma: U kids dnt knw hw 2 party, wen I ws ur age, I’d come back after a month
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.