Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Realize this:
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing