Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
(Gaming support cat.)
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes