@TheMichaelRock

Shouldn’t Godzilla be fighting Satanzilla?

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@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@hansmollman

Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls

@lafpgh

He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

@vineyille

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”