MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
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Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think