Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
How I like cutting carbs
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Why am I like this?
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