Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
You Might Also Like
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.