Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Her: One day you’ll regret this!
Me: Way ahead of ya.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*
Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Me: No, just the front
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.