Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
had to make it
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
scared to check what name she chose
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.