@PlasmaChemist

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

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@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

@myonlymizztake

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@sofarrsogud

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

@canadasandra

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@thepaulahunt

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@TheMichaelRock

Clark Kent: *sits glasses on counter*

Lois Lane: Who are you and where did the new countertop come from?

@BigJDubz

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

@Aspersioncast

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.