@PlasmaChemist: Shouldn't octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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@slimmy_shady: 911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It's ok, found another one.
@: me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
@MarlonBrandNO: Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong
@behindyourback: a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling "HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER" and I want to trade problems with her