[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Here’s what I think…
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
me: no shoes in the house