@heatherjs

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

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@dave_cactus

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

@CrystalTheRed

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

@3sunzzz

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@Kyle_Lippert

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

@GinAndJif

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.