Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.