Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
every. time.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
#Caturday
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.