Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
TRAIN’S HERE
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.