@robdelaney

Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”

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@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@Sad_tree

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

@elle91

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@TweetPotato314

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad