Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Good point.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I wish I could veto my bills.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water