– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
😅😅😅
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.