I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one
My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe
People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private?
GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea