[magician rolls over in bed]
“Last night was amazing”
Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast?
Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Commas. Use them.
If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
This is always good for a laugh.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.