Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.

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[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]


This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.


Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?


[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?


Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.


Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem


My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.


Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.