Shout out to all the married couples who are filled with passion. Those 2 couples should hang out together some time.

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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?


I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.


this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash


When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.


Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you


I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.


*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?


“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan


Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.


A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.