[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My dress code is business-casualty.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Wait a minute
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Meow
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope