Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
That’s enough internet for the day
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers