SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Super Hand Dog Face
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
wow he looks just like him
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig