@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

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@williamsonnier

Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
More.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”

@KPsych29

“Hey, the sky is pitch black tonight.”-You, counting your lucky stars.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@mrjohndarby

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

@Douchekevin

Four 6 year old girls playing quietly at 7am is called a horde of elephants having a foot race.

@knot_kristy

i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

@McJesse

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

@Jake_Vig

For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Pandemic
Locusts
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-

STOP