shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.