shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
What even happened today?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*