Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”


-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!


cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you


I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate


Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason


Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever


If you think your life is bad, just think, at least you weren’t one of those hotel guests that showered, brushed their teeth and drank the water from the water tank that had a dead body in it.


Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.


[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.