Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

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The author of How to Murder Your husband was just arrested for murdering her husband. I can’t be the only one who saw this coming.


My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke


There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends


Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.


It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.


A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time


Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…


Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.


*Clark Kent takes his glasses off*

Jimmy: “OMG, it’s Superman!”

*Clark puts his glasses back on*

“OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!”


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..