@WheelTod
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
@aneesa_p
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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@WheelTod
@abbycohenwl
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
@MelvinofYork
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
@GrantTanaka
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
@the_gramble
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
@psybermonkey
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
@turtledumplin
If you think your life is bad, just think, at least you weren’t one of those hotel guests that showered, brushed their teeth and drank the water from the water tank that had a dead body in it.
@mydmac
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
@UncleDuke1969
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
@TheRealRobG
Her: lemme see your phone
Me: I forgot my fingerprint .