Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️