@tsm560
The author of How to Murder Your husband was just arrested for murdering her husband. I can’t be the only one who saw this coming.
@aneesa_p
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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@tsm560
@stuzario
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
@AlexReekie
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
@TheRealPalMal
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
@AGStr8upNinja
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
@markydoodoo
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
@kevinrowe1
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
@iAmDelFreaky
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
@Reverend_Scott
*Clark Kent takes his glasses off*
Jimmy: “OMG, it’s Superman!”
*Clark puts his glasses back on*
“OMG, Clark! You just missed Superman!”
@stanleybehrman
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..