Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

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doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich


Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no


If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.


Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed


After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble


All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.


what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby


She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.


(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)