@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

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@reaghhan

doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him

Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich

@sonictyrant

Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no

@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

@Parkerlawyer

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

@41Strange

After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble

@TheAlexNevil

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@AGStr8upNinja

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

@impaulmccoy

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)