Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
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doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him
Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich
Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*
Spin Class Instructor: no
If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?