@Cherry_Row
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
@DaHess1
Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
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@Cherry_Row
@reaghhan
doctor: congrats on the baby! What are you going to name him
Newt Gingrich’s mom: newt gingrich
@sonictyrant
Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*
Spin Class Instructor: no
@DomComedy
If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.
@Parkerlawyer
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
@41Strange
After going to the doctor for a routine check up, Kermit the Frog finally finds out through an x-ray what’s really ailing him.
(Artwork: Joshua Kemble
@TheAlexNevil
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
@jazz_inmypants
what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby
@AGStr8upNinja
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
@impaulmccoy
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)