shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Ok but actually
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi