shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

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My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.


Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia


5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?



BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*


7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.


I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.


I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early


After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”


I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.


I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.