My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*
Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early
After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”
I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.
I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.