shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I saw nothing
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
BRAKING NEWS!!
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.