What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
You Might Also Like
I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*
“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
6yo: I can’t wait to be an adult!
Me: Adults don’t get snow days.
“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”
“Juror is dismissed”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)
2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Damn you autocorrect for making me look like an idiom. Always trying to make a tool out of me.
You guys stole those words from the dictionary.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.