If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?
Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?
Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking
ME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked