Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
what kind of cook setting is this??
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal