Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

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If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]



Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?


Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.


if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away


STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever


Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.


[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked