law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.