I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
And then God made Saturn.
And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston