Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

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I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.


A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.


Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”


Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.


We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.


We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.


Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston