@anildash

Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”

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@Shade510

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

@blade_funner

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

@hellohappy_time

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

@readingtheend

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston