@dumbbeezie: Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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@Cheeseboy22: One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
@clyderun: The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
@T_N_Crumpets: Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths "not guilty"] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up