Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
some Old Testament wisdom
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”