Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
You Might Also Like
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
October already? What’s next? November????
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Wait, let me explain..”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”