[invention of burgers]
visionary: what if we grated a cow?
assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius
Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.
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M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.