@kwirkyKerri

Shout out to girls that have a relationship with prisoners. At least they always know where their man is at.

You Might Also Like

@arcadeseals

[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

@TrueDee

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

@wolfpupy

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

@dancingchimera

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@FriedWords

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.