Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
2 years later
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped