Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Still a very good boi….
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.