Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right