Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.