Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead

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I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one


I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.


Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…


“I hope your face ends up on a milk carton,” requires too much backstory to be an insult now.


Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.


In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!


Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”


COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk


Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.


Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?