Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[montage of me giving-up]
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I have a type: disappointing
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]