@Phoebetate

Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I’m too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I’m not too old for a pimple on the forehead

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@MariasWestSide

I usually spend so much time looking for the perfect excuse to cancel plans.. now we all have the same one

@treydayway

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

@lilgapeach32

Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…

@ozzyunc

“I hope your face ends up on a milk carton,” requires too much backstory to be an insult now.

@squirrel74wkgn

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

@DaddyBeerGuy

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

@UnFitz

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

@clichedout

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

@fluffysuse

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

@jackiembouvier

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?