*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just got to our Airbnb!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
It’s a gift