Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
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When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
What
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Terribly Tuesday.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.