Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
consequences, the bane of my existence
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Barbie gone wild
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?