@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

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@iamspacegirl

pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-tentacles.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.

@SamGrittner

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*

@sonictyrant

girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time

me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@heyliv_

How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.

@BarebakAssassin

Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude