pros of being a jellyfish:
-gelatinous body type.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.
*eats another Oreo*
girlfriend: okay fine, but promise it won’t be like last time
me: *Already kicking kids out of the bouncy castle* THIS. IS. SPARTA!
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?
Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters
Me: French she; 4 letters
Me: orange drink; 5 letters
Me: bumble; 3 letters
Me: speak; 4 letters
Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters
Me: bug; 6 l-
Wife: oh hell no.
Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude