shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”


I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip


[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.


I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.


Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.


ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.