“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Are you ok, human???
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
waiting for halloween be like:
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?