@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

You Might Also Like

@brideylee

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

@spacej_me

I’m sorry I got salsa on your baby and I’m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip

@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

@Coops_Bradley

I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@truegritrumble

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

@nbadag

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

@stewteee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.